nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
