Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
