i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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