I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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