I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I did not marry a roomba.
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