I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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