Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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