Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You ate ashes out of my bong
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
