My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
