let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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