there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
