Four minutes until I can fart!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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