I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
jump out the window naked night went bad
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
