Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
