I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
