Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
