We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
