I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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