she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
