I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
