Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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