Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
