hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
