why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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