the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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