the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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