he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
