I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
