Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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