I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
