I'm eating all of the evidence.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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