JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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