just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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