I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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