and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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