I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
