My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
