I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
