Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
