I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
