Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
