apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
