i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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