I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
