Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
