wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
