I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
