I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
