i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
