The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
