I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
